The Sox have been abysmal this season. They can't hit, they can't pitch and they can't win. They beat the Tigers brains in today, of course. I hate you White Sox.
1. They own the Tigers. This team could dress up nine kids from the Birmingham Barons in black and white and still beat our asses. Since 2005, the Tigers have played 13 teams at least 35 times and have the worst record against the White Sox at a flaccid (def: lacking normal or youthful firmness) 34-58 or .370 winning percentage. Worse yet, we've played 28 teams in that period and only have a worse record against the Diamondbacks who we've only played nine times. Take it back ten years to 2000 and our record improves dramatically to a Herculean .383 winning percentage. If you go back twenty years to 1990, no team had better success against the Tigers than Chicago with a 120-180 record or .600 winning percentage. The Tigers are 59-90 at home and 61-90 in Chicago. In essence, I've spent my entire adult life watching the Sox routinely handle my favorite baseball team. If you're reading this Obama, I hate you too.
2. They stick it to us when it matters. I can't remember winning a big series against the Sox. They have a way of taking every series that feels like a sound kick to the groin. In 2006, we lost the Division title by one game to the Twins and a sweep of the Sox would have locked it up early. With nothing to play for, Freddy Garcia one-hits the Tigers and Verlander gets bombed. The Tigers end up getting swept by KC and settling for the Wild Card. In 2008, the Tigers are trailing the Sox by 5.5 games and have a one-run lead in the 9th against the Sox in Chicago. Jermaine Dye hits a 2-out, 2-run home run to take the lead and all but end the season. In 2009, with a 3-game lead and five games to play, the Tigers need only two wins in a series with Chicago to clinch the Division. They lose two of three in Chicago to a team with nothing to play for (Sox players even took our best hitter, Cabrera, out and liquored him up for good humor which is dirty pool). The Tigers had their chance at redemption with a rain makeup that could have ended Chicago's season in 2008. Instead, laid down and let Chicago move on to a one-game playoff with Minnesota who showed us how it's done. I hate you Chicago.
3. Their "dream season" ended in glory; ours was an epic failure. The 2005 White Sox and 2006 Tigers were spitting images. Neither team was an odds-on favorite to win it all. The Sox won 99 games and the Tigers won 95, though the Tigers were a much bigger surprise as they helped unseat the Sox in the Central after they won a ring. Both teams had not won a championship in a very long time - the Sox had an 88-year draught and the Tigers hadn't won in 22 years. Both were sentimental favorites and were looked at as "good for their cities", whatever the hell that means. Both were dominant in the first two rounds, posting identical 7-1 playoff records heading into the World Series. That's where the similarities end. The Sox destroyed a weak National League team in a sweep to take home the trophy while the Tigers gave away the World Series to their weak NL team, the Cardinals. Detroiters were so ready for the chance to celebrate just like the Sox did the year before but it's almost as if some drunk jackass from the South Side kicked the record player right in the middle of a great song. It wasn't that the Tigers didn't win the WS, they didn't even show up. I hope you get herpes Sox fans.
4. They're not even the most popular baseball team in their city. Sure, Sox fans will try to tell you that the real fans reside in the South Side but attendance won't back that story up. The Sox only draw when they're winning. In seven of the last ten years, the Cubs have drawn 1,000,000 more fans and the Sox even had to reduce their capacity by 7,000 in 2004 to keep it from looking so empty all the time. In 2005, the Sox won the WS and the Cubs were horrible yet led again in attendance. U.S. Cellular is located in a dingy area, sort of like the entire city of Detroit with the one difference being you are a $20 cab ride away from a fun neighborhood. In Detroit, all walks of life mix it up and head to the South Side of Detroit to watch a game whereas Sox get the leftover riff-raff that just got kicked out of Murphy's before the game. What pisses me off is that Detroit doesn't have a second team and all of our fans look like Sox fans anyway. Are all these girls from Downriver? All the better, I hope someone sticks a banana in your Mercedes tailpipe Reinsdorf.
5. Ron Karkovice. This may seem like an odd choice given that most people love to hate Pierzynski, but he is actually a good ball player and a legitimate reason why the Sox win games. Carlton Fisk had an excellent run in Chicago but he chose different colored Sox for his HOF induction. Karkovice irritates me more than any of them. The Tigers have prided themselves on a rich tradition of ridiculous catchers. Notwithstanding Mickey Cochrane and Bill Freehand, the Tigers had three catchers that combined for 17 of 30 Silver Sluggers awards since 1980 in Lance Parrish, Mickey Tettleton, Ivan Rodriguez (toss in ROY Matt Nokes in 1987 for good measure). That being said, we got kicked around the field by a team that had this dumpasaurus catching for them over eleven years. He hit .221 career and didn't even look fit to coach 3rd base. He looked like a pizza that fell on the floor and grew a mustache while it was down there. Those teams had Frank Thomas, Ventura, Rock Raines and Julio Franco yet no one pissed me off like Karkovice. What a disgrace to baseball players everywhere. You deserve this turd Sox fans, I hope he moves in with you and eats all your ice cream.
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