Sunday, July 10, 2011

Beckham should apologize to Bears for insensitive remarks

1. My boy Gordon Beckham got into some hot water this past week after writing "Getz is Gay, GB" in the dirt near 2nd base. Apparently, this enraged the gay community which is hard for me to understand. The former White Sox is hitting .259 with 21 RBI and is 9th in steals in the AL. I think it would have been much more insulting to gays everywhere had Beckham written "Dunn is gay" given that Dunn is hitting .160 with 117 strike outs. Worse yet, what if Getz would have written "Beckham is Gay" which would have equated the homosexual community with his anemic .306 OBP and .360 SLG. Gordon took the first step by apologizing to gays everywhere, just like his daddy Ozzie did two years ago. What the South Side Slayer needs to do next is apologize is apologize to his neighbors. I suggest that Gordon call a press conference and apologize to the most prominent gay organization in the city, the Chicago Bears. I can only imagine how their feelings have been hurt through this terrible ordeal and an olive branch would go a long way to mending their fractured feelings.

2. The Tigers have won six of their last seven and are in first place at the All Star break. This is major cause for celebration and a sure predictor of a deep playoff run! If the past five years is any indicator, oh wait . . .

Tigers standing at the All Star Break since 2006:

2006 1st Place Up 2 games
2007 1st place Up 1 game
2008 3rd place Down 4 games
2009 1st place Up 3.5 games
2010 1st place Up 1/2 game
2011 1st place Up 1/2 game

OK, so the Tigers have been in 1st place on July 10th in five of the last six years and have won exactly zero division titles during that span. If I were a betting man, and I am, I would put money on the Twins finishing this season with yet another division title (before losing to the Yankees in the first round).

3. Sleep deprived and feeling the effects of a wine hangover, I needed a reason to skip a Sunday workout. Like a gift from the Euro Gods, USA/Brazil happened to kick off at 11AM which I hoped to sleep through until the Tigers game started at 2PM. I got much more. Like 99% of Americans, I know squat about soccer. I don't understand their yellow and red cards, offsides, free kicks and generally didn't understand how long they were supposed to be playing. But, this game was ridiculous. Most soccer games suck because they finish 1-0 and you have to wait 40 minutes for a shot on goal. This one had a goal in the first 1:00 for the USA, the first time I hollered "Hell yeah, eat it Brazil!!". Without a clue, I was shocked and enraged at what was clearly terrible officiating. I came to loathe the dumpy, anal retentive official who played the role of the East German olympic diving judge for most of the game. In a game I thought was over three times (mainly because I have no idea how regulation and OT work in soccer), the good girls scored a goal at least 15 minutes after I thought the final buzzer (or gun or bell) should have sounded. I looked at my boy Frank and said "Beers?" to which he replied "Hell yes!". There was even a shoot-out which is really the only reason most Americans would leave soccer on without changing over to World's Strongest Man re-runs. Until today, the only good thing soccer had ever provided this country was a Top 5 "Jerseys Off" moment when Brandy Chastain went skins after jacking up the Chinese goalie in 1999. These girls were some serious beefcake athletes, going 10 versus 11 for most of the game and saying things like "we refused to lose" after the game. Goalie Hope Solo is pretty sure that she's hot. After every save, we got a close up of her best Zoolander "Blue Steel" pose.

Possibly, I was so excited because I thought I was actually watching a championship game but turns out this was only a quarterfinal. Given that the next game is Wednesday at 11AM and I have a job, I probably won't watch soccer again until 2015 but this should tide me over.